COACHED WITHOUT LIMITS

Dr. Eric Frazer, PSY.D.

Chapter 26: Active Listening

Active listening is one of the most powerful communication skills that exists. So many people struggle with listening and then wonder why they have the experience of “not being heard.” This is exactly the experience of the person that is supposedly being listened to. To break this down from a psychological standpoint it’s important to understand some of the active ingredients involved with listening. These include many components of the sensory system, your thoughts, and your feelings. If you think about all that is going on in every single instance of listening, there is a substantial amount of activity when taking these factors into account. Subsequently, it becomes difficult for us to attend; meaning to give your full attention of your senses, your presence, and not be distracted by your mind and emotional reactions to what is being said.

I recently had a coaching session with a client who told me that he had been practicing this skill and was impressed with the difference that it made in his ability to authentically connect with his business prospects and customers. He told me that his approach was not to talk, but rather to listen, but also to listen with the mindset of being helpful and understanding. Understanding comes from perspective taking, and you can only have good perspective taking if you are truly engaged and listening so you can hear what is most important to the person you’re speaking to. This is in contrast to conversations in which your objective is to control the conversation with your agenda, what is important to you, and accomplishing the specific goal that you need the other person to either cooperate or fulfill for you.

My client is successfully using his approach in his regular networking efforts. The difference with this approach is that he is meeting people and building relationships authentically with the sole objective of active listening.

The Exercise:

A simple exercise to rate yourself on your active listening skills is to make a list of 10 people who you routinely interact with at work. They could be colleagues or customers outside your organization, as long as they are people you engage with frequently. After you make your list of 10 people write down next to each person what you believe is of most importance to them in their professional role. It has to be specific and cannot be something intangible such as “being successful.” After you make your list, ask your colleague, “I’m curious, what would you say is most important to you professionally right now.” Your answer, of course if they follow up with the same question to you, is being a better active listener.