Many people struggle with assertiveness, and I would be remiss to point out that there have been historical gender imbalances: men being validated and women being invalidated. Fortunately, we’re culturally shifting in the right direction. Nevertheless, many developing professionals continue to struggle with being assertive. The way this is often conveyed is “not having a voice at the table,” and in many instances simply feeling ignored.

 

Assertiveness takes practice. You can think of it like a muscle being strengthened. To be assertive, you have to be confident. Where does confidence come from? I always tell my clients, “You need to be the smartest person in the room.” I then tell my clients that if they’ve done a thorough job, have researched all possible solutions to a problem, and can explain that clearly and logically, then they can be confident no one else has put greater effort and acquired better knowledge. That eliminates 99% of all pushback. The remaining 1% could be if someone else has a novel idea or innovation that simply was not thought of yet. That’s rare. So, you have to imagine the situations where you have not felt confident, and determine what you can do to be the most knowledgable person, or at least one of the most knowledgeable people, on your team, and ultimately in your organization.

 

You can definitely work on this with a coach or a therapist depending on the type of rehearsal format that best suits you, and depending on how difficult making changes in assertiveness is for you. Exposure therapy can be quite useful to implement a method of systematic desensitization to help you relax, focus, and deliver with confidence in scenarios that you previously experienced as frightening, anxiety-producing, or hostile. You can also do so independently following these steps. To put this into practice, I often observe and hear about similar dynamics in which several people dominate meetings, large and small. To break this dynamic, try the following.

 

1. Inform everyone prior to the meeting that you have important points to share.

2. Prepare your points in a visual slide deck, or similar succinct presentation.

\3. Explain why your ideas/solutions are the most logical and effective.

4. When someone disagrees, or minimizes your points, you simply say politely, “Bill, I disagree. Can you explain the advantages of your proposal over what I just stated?”

 

Write them down, and then explain why they are not valid. Remember, you did your homework! 5. When you’re blocked out of a conversation, simply raise your hand and/or voice and say, “I have an idea/solution I would like to propose.” I have found that raising one’s hand when a conversation has taken on a life of it’s own is highly effective to make the conversation pause. That is your entry point. As you continue to do this, your own natural vocabulary will come to life, and you will assert yourself more naturally and confidently. The mindset behind assertiveness is to do what is best, and not for purposes of being right.

 

The Exercise:

Pick a typical scenario in which you have difficulty being assertive. Video record yourself responding out loud to common issues that arise. Practice responding assertively as outlined above. If you are still struggling with this, or wish to practice more effectively, I would recommend having a few sessions with a therapist who specializes in assertiveness training. This has the potential to really develop and solidify the habit quickly. After your first actual effectuation of the skills you learned, you can debrief with the therapist to fine-tune your assertiveness even further.