Dr. Eric Frazer, PSY.D.

Chapter 34: Personalized Gratitude

The greeting card business has a whole section in every store with “Thank You” cards. Think back to the time you received a thank you note that left an impression on you— presumably a positive one. Your reaction was emotional, and that emotional reaction synapse created a positive association between you and the card sender. Personalized gratitude means building authentic business relationships with the intention that they will endure over time and will also be governed by reciprocity. Most business relationships I have experienced do not have these ingredients, at least not in an enduring way. Qualitatively, I would call those business acquaintances that are transactionally rooted. The ones that do, however, become long-term business partnerships that open new opportunities, relevant introductions, and even friendships. My belief is that the most important thing to find out about a person who is important to you, whether professionally or personally, is to discover what they are passionate about. It starts with the simplest question: What do you like to do for fun? You are likely to get an answer that goes up to five minutes or longer. You just unlocked the vault. When you know someone’s passion and are intent on building an authentic relationship it becomes an experience of delight to shower that person with gestures that demonstrate you appreciate how important their passion is to them. Personalized gratitude can come in the form of relevant information (an article), a coupon or travel discount, an introduction to a relevant expert, a fundraiser donation, a podcast episode recommendation. When it’s your turn to ask for a favor, you practically don’t even have to ask. Likewise, even though most business relationships do not have enduring reciprocity, I believe most have contextual reciprocity “I will reciprocate generously as long as you do the same and we both benefit until we no longer need to reciprocate.”

The Exercise:

Make a list of the 10 most important people in your professional life. Next to each person write down their passion/hobby. If you don’t know it, you know what to ask about next time your are with them. Likewise, for the remainder, in your next encounter ask about their passion, what’s new/any plans/goals. Talk about your passions too.